Who am I, it is the one question i have been actually asking myself for ages. Am i Straight, definitely No,i sure am attracted to men, Am I Gay, No i don't approve of a gay lifestyle, i have always felt that my sexuality doesn't define me. I cant live like an activist throughout my life, fighting stereotypes and stigmas, i am unashamed to admit that i believe in the concept of family. Am I Bisexual Maybe No because the only attraction towards women i have felt so far is their beauty nothing sexual just admiration. Then who the fuck am i.
Let me look at these three scenarios one by one
Bisexuality: This premise is moot because unless i feel in part Straight i cant come under the category of Bisexual
Straight : I don't think so, this is as yet uncharted waters for me, its a modest way of me saying i am a Straight sex Virgin
Gay : More like it, me thinks But what exactly is Gay, for me Homosexuality and Homosexual experiences are inseparable that is, if you like fucking guys your GAY NOT STRAIGHT. The role you take on in bed with another man has nothing to do with your straightness or gayness. A person in the more dominant role commonly known as Top is AS GAY AS the Bottom- the more submissive role. Dont fool yourself people, if you were straight your dick would be in a vagina not in a guys ass. But the truth is that most people just kid themselves into believing if they were Top they could pass around as Straight not Gay.
So what exactly is a homosexual relationship, how stable is it, how fulfilling are the lives of gay couples vis-a-vis straight couples. Monogyny is the most improbable thing to expect from a modern day homosexual in India. There are only a handful of true lasting homosexual relationships that we as gay men have heard of. As a rule the usual committed relationship validity is 6 months and by then trust issues creep up and most people find new partners The truth is i find such relationships to be fake, they just want hand holding, kissing photos on fb hence the relationship value of such love couples is measured by the amount of likes and shares they receive on fb. They say you can fool the entire world but you cant fool yourself. A True commitment happens when two people agree to be exclusive to each other life long and are completely trusting with each other.
For me all my previous relationships ended when people asked me my real name. Hehe i know its true i have trust issues and i don't want to divulge specific details about me to another person, i have absolutely no idea how they could use such information, but there are others who don't have these trust issues and for them the only challenge is to remain faithful to each other. That's the tricky part isnt it, we ultimately get attracted to someone else and it all ends there.
But there are true and lasting homosexual relationships in India, people who live together, share rent together, for all intents and purposes this is what i call a couple, gay couples who are married in their own eyes and do not need societies approval in the form of a marriage document. What is commendable is that such couples have shed their inhibitions just like straight couples do after marriage. If you ask me is Gay Love exactly like Straight Love i would say both yes and no. Yes because the same rules apply commitment means you cant love/lust/have sex with someone else. No because its much much harder to be in a gay-relationship.
So do i want the above definition of gay relationship:
Lets see:
Family :I have been very close friends with a lot of guys who i have had sex with, but that doesn't mean i took them home, introduced them to my parents, etc etc or allowed them to live with me permanently. It is one thing to say on FB that you love someone and that your committed, but its a totally different story to be completely committed to that person. I cant bear the fact that me being gay would ruin my family, my parents wouldn't approve, most of my friends would distance themselves from me, people who look up to me would then look down on me, moreover i want children, my children, and i dont want to ruin that prospect.
Religion : Three of the worlds oldest religions, Islam,Christianity and Judaism do not approve of homosexuality, i come under one of these religions and although i don't think i am a devout believer i don't want to risk burning in hell. All three religions state very clearly that homosexual acts are wrong in the eyes of god, I wouldn't feel so guilty if i was an atheist but i do believe in god so i am in a constant state of "fucked-up". There were times in my childhood when i felt cursed, as if god created me this way to punish me, Why couldn't i feel the attraction that my straight friends felt. On may occasions i have attempted suicide, but one needs courage for that too, i am a coward.
Society : With the present scenario in India its not Ok to be Gay, people will ostracize me and i might risk losing my job, a major part of my job is around children. People in India wouldn't understand and i would just end up losing my job. Living in a locality with neighbors would also be a hurdle, people would ask questions and demand answers, if you risk saying the truth you might be publicly humiliated and how long would you go on if you choose to lie.
Progeny : I want a big family, i cant imagine myself 60 years old no kids and smoking on the porch of an old age home.
The Logical Indian : At times like these i wonder what the normal indian guy would do, fuck around till you can then get married to a girl and accept your destiny to live like that or live the secret gay life, fucking around in the dark toilets of busy cities or obscure hotel rooms leading the most hypocritical life imaginable.
My Solution: Well i am not a hypocrite and until such day, when i can figure out my sexuality i have forever put on hold my homosexual involvements, Till i figure out what to do i wont have sex with men, i have been successful for the past 11 months now and will continue my abstinence till i deem it necessary. They say the most important need in any relationship is love, so can i get love without sex if yes i would gladly go for such relationships, and that is exactly what i am doing now.
I wrote this post to went out my feelings and try to formulate my thoughts about this issue, I would love to read your advice in the comments section, share your stories and let me know what you think, This is the first time i have put up a post that doesn't detail my sexual encounters or about anything else, this post is about me, so if you have read my previous blogs or want to tell m
e something please do leave a comment. Blogger allows people to leave comments without even signing in, you just click anonymous and post your comment if you dont have a G+ account.
Let me look at these three scenarios one by one
Bisexuality: This premise is moot because unless i feel in part Straight i cant come under the category of Bisexual
Straight : I don't think so, this is as yet uncharted waters for me, its a modest way of me saying i am a Straight sex Virgin
Gay : More like it, me thinks But what exactly is Gay, for me Homosexuality and Homosexual experiences are inseparable that is, if you like fucking guys your GAY NOT STRAIGHT. The role you take on in bed with another man has nothing to do with your straightness or gayness. A person in the more dominant role commonly known as Top is AS GAY AS the Bottom- the more submissive role. Dont fool yourself people, if you were straight your dick would be in a vagina not in a guys ass. But the truth is that most people just kid themselves into believing if they were Top they could pass around as Straight not Gay.
So what exactly is a homosexual relationship, how stable is it, how fulfilling are the lives of gay couples vis-a-vis straight couples. Monogyny is the most improbable thing to expect from a modern day homosexual in India. There are only a handful of true lasting homosexual relationships that we as gay men have heard of. As a rule the usual committed relationship validity is 6 months and by then trust issues creep up and most people find new partners The truth is i find such relationships to be fake, they just want hand holding, kissing photos on fb hence the relationship value of such love couples is measured by the amount of likes and shares they receive on fb. They say you can fool the entire world but you cant fool yourself. A True commitment happens when two people agree to be exclusive to each other life long and are completely trusting with each other.
For me all my previous relationships ended when people asked me my real name. Hehe i know its true i have trust issues and i don't want to divulge specific details about me to another person, i have absolutely no idea how they could use such information, but there are others who don't have these trust issues and for them the only challenge is to remain faithful to each other. That's the tricky part isnt it, we ultimately get attracted to someone else and it all ends there.
But there are true and lasting homosexual relationships in India, people who live together, share rent together, for all intents and purposes this is what i call a couple, gay couples who are married in their own eyes and do not need societies approval in the form of a marriage document. What is commendable is that such couples have shed their inhibitions just like straight couples do after marriage. If you ask me is Gay Love exactly like Straight Love i would say both yes and no. Yes because the same rules apply commitment means you cant love/lust/have sex with someone else. No because its much much harder to be in a gay-relationship.
So do i want the above definition of gay relationship:
Lets see:
Family :I have been very close friends with a lot of guys who i have had sex with, but that doesn't mean i took them home, introduced them to my parents, etc etc or allowed them to live with me permanently. It is one thing to say on FB that you love someone and that your committed, but its a totally different story to be completely committed to that person. I cant bear the fact that me being gay would ruin my family, my parents wouldn't approve, most of my friends would distance themselves from me, people who look up to me would then look down on me, moreover i want children, my children, and i dont want to ruin that prospect.
Religion : Three of the worlds oldest religions, Islam,Christianity and Judaism do not approve of homosexuality, i come under one of these religions and although i don't think i am a devout believer i don't want to risk burning in hell. All three religions state very clearly that homosexual acts are wrong in the eyes of god, I wouldn't feel so guilty if i was an atheist but i do believe in god so i am in a constant state of "fucked-up". There were times in my childhood when i felt cursed, as if god created me this way to punish me, Why couldn't i feel the attraction that my straight friends felt. On may occasions i have attempted suicide, but one needs courage for that too, i am a coward.
Society : With the present scenario in India its not Ok to be Gay, people will ostracize me and i might risk losing my job, a major part of my job is around children. People in India wouldn't understand and i would just end up losing my job. Living in a locality with neighbors would also be a hurdle, people would ask questions and demand answers, if you risk saying the truth you might be publicly humiliated and how long would you go on if you choose to lie.
Progeny : I want a big family, i cant imagine myself 60 years old no kids and smoking on the porch of an old age home.
The Logical Indian : At times like these i wonder what the normal indian guy would do, fuck around till you can then get married to a girl and accept your destiny to live like that or live the secret gay life, fucking around in the dark toilets of busy cities or obscure hotel rooms leading the most hypocritical life imaginable.
My Solution: Well i am not a hypocrite and until such day, when i can figure out my sexuality i have forever put on hold my homosexual involvements, Till i figure out what to do i wont have sex with men, i have been successful for the past 11 months now and will continue my abstinence till i deem it necessary. They say the most important need in any relationship is love, so can i get love without sex if yes i would gladly go for such relationships, and that is exactly what i am doing now.
I wrote this post to went out my feelings and try to formulate my thoughts about this issue, I would love to read your advice in the comments section, share your stories and let me know what you think, This is the first time i have put up a post that doesn't detail my sexual encounters or about anything else, this post is about me, so if you have read my previous blogs or want to tell me something please do leave a comment. Blogger allows people to leave comments without even signing in, you just click anonymous and post your comment if you dont have a G+ account.
Nice work Macha
ReplyDeleteI genuinely hope you continue to write. After all how many Mallu gay blogs do we have that are written well in decent language?! Kudos!!
ReplyDeletethank you arun .....do keep reading and supporting
DeleteHey, we need a conclusion to that post (if there is one, that is). So did your sexuality remain dead or has it resurrected or changed parties?
ReplyDeleteWell Dead in short ....but you know some coals burn even after their fires are out. Would like to know who you are since you took an interest in my sexuality. And just to let you know i have stopped writing.
DeleteJust another closeted guy. In similar dilemma as you are. fearful of dying alone...
Delete