The Death of My Sexuality

Who am I, it is the one question i have been actually asking myself for ages. Am i Straight, definitely No,i sure am attracted to men, Am I Gay, No i don't approve of a gay lifestyle, i have always felt that my sexuality doesn't define me. I cant live like an activist throughout my life, fighting stereotypes and stigmas, i am unashamed to admit that i believe in the concept of family. Am I Bisexual Maybe No because the only attraction towards women i have felt so far is their beauty nothing sexual just admiration. Then who the fuck am i.

Let me look at these three scenarios one by one

Bisexuality: This premise is moot because unless i feel in part Straight i cant come under the category of Bisexual

Straight : I don't think so, this is as yet uncharted waters for me, its a modest way of me saying i am a Straight sex Virgin

Gay : More like it, me thinks But what exactly is Gay, for me Homosexuality and Homosexual experiences are inseparable that is, if you like fucking guys your GAY NOT STRAIGHT. The role you take on in bed with another man has nothing to do with your straightness or gayness. A person in the more dominant role commonly known as Top is AS GAY AS the Bottom- the more submissive role. Dont fool yourself people, if you were straight your dick would be in a vagina not in a guys ass. But the truth is that most people just kid themselves into believing if they were Top they could pass around as Straight not Gay.

So what exactly is a homosexual relationship, how stable is it, how fulfilling are the lives of gay couples vis-a-vis straight couples. Monogyny is the most improbable thing to expect from a modern day homosexual in India. There are only a handful of true lasting homosexual relationships that we as gay men have heard of. As a rule the usual committed relationship validity is 6 months and by then trust issues creep up and most people find new partners The truth is i find such relationships to be fake, they just want hand holding, kissing photos on fb hence the relationship value of such love couples is measured by the amount of likes and shares they receive on fb.  They say you can fool the entire world but you cant fool yourself. A True commitment happens when two people agree to be exclusive to each other life long and are completely trusting with each other.

For me all my previous relationships ended when people asked me my real name. Hehe i know its true i have trust issues and i don't want to divulge specific details about me to another person, i have absolutely no idea how they could use such information, but there are others who don't have these trust issues and for them the only challenge is to remain faithful to each other. That's the tricky part isnt it, we ultimately get attracted to someone else and it all ends there.

But there are true and lasting homosexual relationships in India, people who live together, share rent together, for all intents and purposes this is what i call a couple, gay couples who are married in their own eyes and do not need societies approval in the form of a marriage document. What is commendable is that such couples have shed their inhibitions just like straight couples do after marriage. If you ask me is Gay Love exactly like Straight Love i would say both yes and no. Yes because the same rules apply commitment means you cant love/lust/have sex with someone else. No because its much much harder to be in a gay-relationship.

So do i want the above definition of gay relationship:

Lets see:

Family :I have been very close friends with a lot of guys who i have had sex with, but that doesn't mean i took them home, introduced them to my parents, etc etc or allowed them to live with me permanently. It is one thing to say on FB that you love someone and that your committed, but its a totally different story to be completely committed to that person. I cant bear the fact that me being gay would ruin my family, my parents wouldn't approve, most of my friends would distance themselves from me, people who look up to me would then look down on me, moreover i want children, my children, and i dont want to ruin that prospect.

Religion : Three of the worlds oldest religions, Islam,Christianity and Judaism do not approve of homosexuality, i come under one of these religions and although i don't think i am a devout believer i don't want to risk burning in hell. All three religions state very clearly that homosexual acts are wrong in the eyes of god, I wouldn't feel so guilty if i was an atheist but i do believe in god so i am in a constant state of "fucked-up". There were times in my childhood when i felt cursed, as if god created me this way to punish me, Why couldn't i feel the attraction that my straight friends felt. On may occasions i have attempted suicide, but one needs courage for that too, i am a coward.

Society : With the present scenario in India its not Ok to be Gay, people will ostracize me and i might risk losing my job, a major part of my job is around children. People in India wouldn't understand and i would just end up losing my job. Living in a locality with neighbors would also be a hurdle, people would ask questions and demand answers, if you risk saying the truth you might be publicly humiliated and how long would you go on if you choose to lie.

Progeny : I want a big family, i cant imagine myself 60 years old no kids and smoking on the porch of an old age home.

The Logical Indian : At times like these i wonder what the normal indian guy would do, fuck around till you can then get married to a girl and accept your destiny to live like that or live the secret gay life, fucking around in the dark toilets of busy cities or obscure hotel rooms leading the most hypocritical life imaginable.

My Solution: Well i am not a hypocrite and until such day, when i can figure out my sexuality i have forever put on hold my homosexual involvements, Till i figure out what to do i wont have sex with men, i have been successful for the past 11 months now and will continue my abstinence till i deem it necessary. They say the most important need in any relationship is love, so can i get love without sex if yes i would gladly go for such relationships, and that is exactly what i am doing now.

I wrote this post to went out my feelings and try to formulate my thoughts about this issue, I would love to read your advice in the comments section, share your stories and let me know what you think, This is the first time i have put up a post that doesn't detail my sexual encounters or about anything else, this post is about me, so if you have read my previous blogs or want to tell m
e something please do leave a comment. Blogger allows people to leave comments without even signing in, you just click anonymous and post your comment if you dont have a G+ account.  

India Loves Pakistan : Being Gay in the UAE

The idea of something foreign is always very exciting to almost every Indian, just tell an indian that something is foreign-made and you could see his eyes begin to sparkle and his face glow up. I never knew this held true for sex till the day i saw gay indian men have sex with foreigners. Of course its nothing new if you visit the beaches in kerala during tourist season, you could see scores of young boys throwing themselves at foreigners just to get a feel of that so called "air of freedom" that we so invariable assosiate with foreigners, smooth cigarettes, fine liqour/marijuana and of course awesome sex i am not here to debate if these stereotypes are true or not but just to drive my point let me tell you that it does happen, In my travels i have met a certain "Kichu" who works at a home-stay cum restaurant as helper cum masseur who proudly boasts of the number of italian dicks he has sucked and of the number of british men who have fucked him colonial style. "Kichu" since your real name is not "Kichu" your secrets safe with me.

Back in 2014 my life suddenly changed when i went to the United Arab Emirates in search of work. It was a new country for me i had never traveled outside India either on vacation or otherwise. So when i arrived at DXB international airport i was new to everything new to the "Nol Card" system without which you cannot travel in buses or the metro in dubai, new to the clean streets new to the highrise buildings artificial islands etc, literally for the first one week my eyes would pop at just about anything. I think going to the Gulf countries is almost like a rite of passage for young mallu men, it is something that is very uniquely mallu and we are not ashamed of it, the prosperity in our state has been largely fueled by the lakhs of mallu immigrants/expats living and working in the gulf countries.

So i was picked up at the airport by 5 of my closest college friends and so my 3 month long journey in dubai began, for the more inquisitive readers no i didn't settle in dubai afterwords i came back to india as i got a better offer back home. So after the initial first few days of roaming around and soaking up the sights of Burj Khalifa, Creek, and the scores of malls my friends went back to their busy schedule of work-travel-food-sleep and i was left alone in our 2 bedroom apartment in Al Jafiliya somewhere near the only place i had heard of when i came to dubai "Karama". There were two weeks left for my first interview so i had time to spend and after two days the compass in my dick started pointing northwards.
  
Karama was the only place in Dubai that seemed normal, more like my home country and a place that reminds you of Dubai's past. My frequent visits to Karama taught me two things, Karama is where the most mallus live and Karama has a sizeable gay crowd, another shocker is that because of the affordable housing in this locality you can find people from all nationalities here. The largest group among them is of course pakistanis indians and bangladeshis.

Hooking up in Dubai is easy, usually people think that because of the countries strict Islamic rules all gay dating sites are blocked, but there are ways to cheat the system, of all these the one site that was most useful to me was my fake fb account. I never knew that fb would become such a versatile platform, there were gay groups designated by localities, by racial groups by interests etc. Within the first week of my fake fb's Dubai Avatar i had more than a 1000 friends on my friends list. One particular Filipino guy and i use to chat often and we hit it off instantly the one weird thing was that he didn't give me his number. Mall cruising in Dubai is dangerous, don't try to look for sex in dubai's malls, true the arabs are amazing with their long robes and awesome perfume but they are best viewed from afar, don't forget the police in dubai are omnipresent. But yes it doesn't hurt to go to a mall look at hot arab men with their tight sleeves and long robes, keeps you wondering how well endowed they might be down there, most of the men have stylish beards and great haircuts and are always fascinatingly well dressed. Dubai has no official cruising spot and its best not to try and look for one, although i feel that in dubai the metro rides and stations can be a catalyst for some interesting encounters during late evenings.

So instead of risking myself with getting caught i stuck to fb for my dating needs, truth be told everybody is just looking for sex, as you know homosexuality or acts are not legal in this country so most people just hook up and end of story, there is no proper gay scene and no one acknowledges themselves to be gay. My filipino buddy and i had been chatting for a few days so i asked if we could meet up and if he could finally give me his number, he gave me his number and asked me to meet him in DCC (Diera City Center) which is like a good for nothing mall. When i arrived there i found that it was a mostly family center type of mall and so i chose to hang out by the metro station right next to it, he was late and i was a little anxious and afraid so i kept calling him several times finally he came and i was shocked to see an arab guy instead of someone who had described himself to be filipino, he was in a car so i got in and we drove to the parking lot of the mall, he was dressed in jeans a white sweatshirt with a hoodie looked more like an american punk than an arab, he wasn't slim but you could judge by the contours of his frame that we was athletic and he looked no older than 20 to me, i was impatient to confront him regarding why he lied to me saying he was filipino, but i waited till we got out, he headed straight to the loo, and i followed him he went to the urinal and started to relieve himself i was kind of unnerved because in the back of my head were all these notions, secret police, getting jailed in a foreign country, deportation etc, i took my time scanned the entire loo there was no one there and went and stood right next to him in the adjacent urinal.

Wow what a big cock it was almost 10 inches and super thick and light skinned too, looked like a specimen model to be kept in a museum or something. I instantly wanted to grab on to it but he was saying no with his eyes, its not safe he finally said. As we came out the loo and started walking into the mall i asked him, why he told me he was filipino, he confessed saying he was afraid to admit that he was arab because of the stigma associated with being gay, if his father knew he would kill him, He quickly asked if i was interested to get fucked tonight and i was taken aback by the direct question, thats when i asked how old are you really, seventeen he replied i can pay you if you want he added, now i was angry not only was he dishonest with me about his nationality but also that he was just a rich kid who wanted to fuck me for money, i said i was leaving and was not interested anymore, so i started walking back to the metro station feeling insulted and aroused at the same time, he was hot hot hot no doubt about that, but i was not going to let anyone treat me like that. So i got on the metro and headed for home, i remembered from earlier that day that my friends and i had plans to go to Sharjah so on the way back i got down in Union Metro station to switch on to the Green Line to go to Al Qusias from where i would get a bus to Sharjah.

So i got down in Union and got on to the Green line which was more crowded than usual, it was a beyond my expectation and suddenly this metro coach reminded me of the jam packed Ksrtc busses of my home state, people were standing one behind another in rows which were all facing the door, as the metro reached the next station more people got on than off so now people were literally pressing into each other i could see a lone bead of sweat trickle down the back of the neck of the guy standing in front of me, that's when i noticed that the guy standing in front of me was wearing something very flimsy i could almost feel the strong muscles of his buttocks press against my thigh, he had the familiar smell of attar(an indian fragrance) so i assumed he was probably some north indian going back from work, at the next station i noticed that the crowd had reduced a little and this guy would just not move in front where there was more space he was deliberately brushing against my dick which was already hard after i knew he wasn't wearing any underwear, that's why i could so easily feel him, i reached into my jeans to fetch my phone  and intentionally brushed against his ass cheeks which were like a soft pillow wobbling at the slightest touch. He also made an attempt to grab me when he tried to run his hand along his back pretending to adjust his kurta, finally my station came and i got out and saw his cute face, i was sure he was pakistani, sharp features, pink lips and straight long hair, as it was now time to go i looked straight into his eyes with sadness as i knew that this would go nowhere, but surprisingly he was also getting out and both of us looked at each other and smiled. Obviously the first question we asked each other was Are you an Indian/Pakistani, we introduced ourselves, his name was Qaasim and i think from there we hit it off, although we rode the escalator back to ground level in complete silence, there was this palpable undercurrent of chemistry between us.

We started talking about our cultures and countries instantly,  he said he loved Indian Movies and i said i loved Pakistani Dhabba food, we spoke of the enmity our countries have for each other and how this is like a fire that is kept alive by our politicians, as individuals we have no hate for each other, indians and pakistanis are long lost brothers. He invited me to his room which was nearby and i met some of his roommates who were all very nice, i went on to Sharjah from there after exchanging numbers with him, we stole a kiss in the staircase while going down as we knew with his roommates there nothing else was possible. Over the next two weeks i met him thrice, he was a complete versatile like me, the sex was passionate and romantic although in the first try his thick brown dick was a bit too much for my ass and i needed generous amounts of lube which he seemed to have a stock of. His ass was as soft as his ass cheeks my dick would just slide right in, it was not as painful for him as his dick was for me. I had always imagined that if i had sex with a pakistani man i would get raped, ass pounding of sorts but this was the most romantic sex that i had ever had, while i was fucking him, he would ask me to go slower, it was almost like he taught me to fuck just like him, gentle and smooth. Patience and Respect is the secret to passionate sex. In between the fucking when we would passionately kiss each other he would let out a soft moan and it was as if the warm air that escaped his mouth as he exhaled contained magic that made
me horny. The nights and days spend with him were my best times in Dubai, i began to appreciate a people who i had for so long been taught to despise, Even after years i still remember the friendly and at home feeling i experienced when i was around him.

My three month stay in Dubai was cut short in the third week when i got a excellent job offer back home in India. So i had to return with memories of my Pakistani Love,                          
I miss you Qaasim.